I did it again — for what felt like the ten thousandth time, I got drunk. Really drunk.
A few weeks before I had promised my wife, I would stop drinking. The days of over indulging and blacking out and doing or saying something stupid were behind me. I was going to “dry-out” for a few months, get my drinking back to a manageable level and drink socially like a normal person.
I had made this promise many, many times before. Sometimes I did stop drinking. Mostly I just ramped up the secrecy. Drinking only when I knew she wouldn’t be home. Giving myself time to sober up before presenting myself to her and/or hiding my breath with a bizarre concoction of mints, spicy foods and condiments to smell like anything but booze.
I would pass the test nine times out of ten.
Now, a .900 batting average in baseball would be incredible. But, when you are lying, well, you are just a liar. Despite getting away with a lot, you give no reason to anyone to believe your stories going forward.
On January 27th, 2017 there was a charity event for a co-worker of mine who had received a terminal diagnosis and we were gathering to raise money for his family. I purchased two tickets and was going to bring my wife to prove to her that I could do things without alcohol in my system. Helping another person while helping my own cause.
Three days before the event, my wife had to cancel. She had a work situation arise, and since we had a baby sitter lined up already, she needed to be there for her team. She suggested I bring a friend and enjoy a night out.
The first friend I called accepted enthusiastically and even offered to drive.
Hmmm… My wife won’t be there AND I don’t have to drive. What could possibly go wrong?
The night of the event, I “pre-gamed” some vodka as I took a shower prior to departing to my friend’s house. While driving there, I didn’t feel the full effects I had been seeking, so I stopped and got another pint of vodka and drank it before arriving at his house.
To the non-alcoholic, I assume that much of this doesn’t quite add up. I assume that an alcoholic follows the logic with much clarity.
My friend drove us to the event and I proceeded to have a few beers and start acting foolish. Thankfully, for some reason I was aware enough to realize my level of intoxication and spoke to my friend about leaving the event early.
As we were departing, I found a friend who I knew was sober and, as we said our goodbyes, I leaned in and said “I need help”. He assured me that he would help me and we would go to a meeting and start down the right path.
I made it home safe that night.
The next day I awoke with the same shame and remorse I had felt hundreds of times. My wife didn’t know about what I had done the night before, but I knew.
I knew that I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t moderate it. I couldn’t drink like a gentleman. I was an alcoholic.
I was defeated. I hated what I had become. I was scared. I was more alone than I had ever been in my entire life.
I decided that I was done.
Sort of
I drank again that night. I really couldn’t stop.
Thankfully, my friend and I made a plan for the week and I somehow made it four full days until I showed up to a meeting on Wednesday night and when the time came, I said “Hi I’m Dennis and I’m an alcoholic?”
That was almost five years ago.
I am shocked that through my AA program, my network and a little help from my higher power, I have made it this far.
If I keep focus hopefully, I’ll keep the streak alive.
But I can only do it one day at a time